Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
