On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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