I can text with my tongue
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
