i just sent this text using only my big toe
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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