Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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