tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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