2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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