sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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