Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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