once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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