Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize