For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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