she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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