He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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