Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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