i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
