Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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