Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
