Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
