I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Found your dick twin last night
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
