I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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