I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
