It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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