Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
