I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
