hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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