We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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