dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
