i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
