there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
