If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
