i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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