my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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