Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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