I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
