I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
