The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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