We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
