Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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