Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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