Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize