Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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