I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
