you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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