I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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