Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
