i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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