I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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