theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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