I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He? As in you personified your dick?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
