Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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