i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
