it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
