Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
