I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
