Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
