i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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